breaking a lifelong cycle.

when I was a child, i never really had a full understanding of myself. I didn’t have a distinguished identity in my group of friends or my family. I was simply “there,” as that’s the only way I can put it. i was never the comedian friend, or the protective sister, or the over-achieving child. if i was there, i was there - and if i wasn't, no harm done. i slipped in and out of groups and conversations and friends, but i never really found a place where i adhered.
i found myself pretending to pretend. true, i had a vivid imagination, but i didn't feel like i was on the same level as the other children i was around. i never really believed that i had an imaginary friend - but i did pretend to hold an invisible hand and had made-up and pre-planned conversations with thin air. my brother had an imaginary friend named carnible, who lived in california and only visited sometimes. everyone thought this was just the funniest thing ever.
i ended up doing stupid and odd things for attention. in fifth grade, each day at lunch i'd mix together my chocolate milk and grape juice, call it "grape milk," and act as if it was honestly delicious. it wasn't. but, after a couple days of this, i was expected to drink my grape milk, because "that's what courtney does."
i mostly remember not being able to talk to my family comfortably. i would feel awkward around my own mother, father, sister, and brothers - awkward, as if i was trying to impress them. trying to make them like me - like they were the "popular" crowd that i just yearned to be a part of. i wanted them to think i was witty and smart, with a good head on my shoulders. i wanted them to think, "wow! what a bright young girl. so intelligent at such a young age!" this isn't a way you should be around your family - but it still continues today. my only claim to fame in my family is my grades, which aren't all that good right now.
i want to find a group of people, or even just a single friend, who i can be with and be "myself." i even talk in a different voice to each of my friends, and i talk about different subject matter. in all of these personas, i've pushed myself even farther away from the real me. i don't know what it's like to act like myself.
for the time being, i'll search for that person. who knows - maybe it won't be hard at all. i just need to know where to look.