mistakenly following in her footsteps.

sylvia plath, also known as victoria lucas, killed herself on february 11, 1963.
in the bell jar, the character of esther greenwood, also known as elly higginbottom, attempted suicide numerous times.

is this really what i want to follow? why would i want to follow in these mistaken footsteps? if each one of these people, fictional or nonfictional, led a suicidal life, why would i persue that? i really don't know the answer. i'm not a depressed person, and i'm definately not suicidal. i've had a hard life up until this point, but i'd rather make my life as w0nderful as possible with my new freedom, not just end it because of the past.
i guess that i simply like their cynical state of mind, minus the suicide. i don't want to be extremely happy and optimistic, because i feel that it's pointless - but i also don't want to be pissed off all of the time. i guess i'm a hopeful cynic.