i've never really known what it feels like to have a family. my own family is distant to me, and i can't ever remember a time when i felt a part of it. most of my life was spent wishing that i was never conceived, or wishing that i was simply born into another family.
i've gotten close with my friend's parents, going as far as calling them "mommy" and "daddy" - but i was always awkward around them. i didn't act like myself, so therefore they were "adopting" a different child than myself. i don't like that.
tyler is the closest thing to a family i have, and he's my boyfriend of two years that i only get to see once a week. i am as absolutely close to myself as i can get to when i am around him - but i'm still not completely myself. there are a couple things that i do that i know are not me.
i think that i am so desperate to have children of my own because i just know i'll be able to be myself around them. there will be no impressing or not impressing. through my children, i'll be able to find out who i am. these seem like selfish reasons, but i'm just so desperate.
i need to feel what it's like to have a person love me, but also be related to me. i want to be a mother.
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